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“Precaution is better than cure and Laughing Is better than crying So we want you to Laugh a little with Us"

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the
counter,he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch
from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you##@!!*#!

My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~##!?*! I am Chinese!"

"Yeah yeah yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same",
retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double
from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch
to the director,sending him flat to the floor. "What was that for?" exclaimed the director.

"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese
replied. "You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted
the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg,... you are all the
same!" said the Chinese.

ha haa haa ha :) :)

Who is the better programmer?

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better." Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."

ha haa haa ha :) :)

Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for
the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you
see".

Watson said "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent"

ha haa haa ha :) :)

Letter written to Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the functions, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs. I tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but all to no avail.

******* Reply From Tech Support *******

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" .wav files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hotfoot 3.0.

With regards,
Tech Support

ha haa haa ha :) :)

Abbott & Costello's Cyber-Routine

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

ha haa haa ha :) :)

At the Desert

There were these three people An Irish, A Scottish and An African who were lost in the desert of India. On there way they saw a strange looking bottle. The Irish thinking it contained water opened the cork of trhe bottle.

To their surprise, a genie came out and said "I was trapped in this bottle for thousand years and you freed me, so I grant each of you one wish."

The Irish said "That's easy. I want to go home." The Scottish came forward and said "I too want to home." Both of them were now safely at their houses. Now was the African's turn. The African said, "I feel very lonely without those two, so bring them back here." Saying these words, the Genie dissapeared and the Irish and the Scottish were back.

ha haa haa ha :) :)

The Worst Hijacking

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We''re already going to Detroit," she replied. "Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

ha haa haa ha :) :)

The Worst Bank Robbery

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building.

A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

ha haa haa ha :) :)